Author Archives: lucy

ode to food

i have recently completed an elimination diet. the aim was to isolate foods that caused intense sickness of the stomach/nausea that i experience regularly. the diet was unsuccessful in identifying these foods, but i am finding it hard to care today, day -2 of the diet. i have re-entered the world of food (and beer), and i feel like a mighty warrior ready to conquer the world, three pizzas (and a cheesy garlic bread) at a time. to honour this momentous occasion, i have composed an ode to food:

forgive me for my absence, food.
peeled pears and sauceless steak, no longer.
tomatoes, cheese, wheaty beer.
let there be spew.


breaking news: alcohol + sleep = muddled head

i’ve reached the stage in my life when i cannot, FOR THE LIFE OF ME differentiate between dream and reality in certain situations. i have been walking around all morning with a pressing weight on my shoulders, as if i have some unfinished business, or am in the throes of an unresolved conflict. there is something niggling at me that i just can’t quite place. i searched my brain for all possible causes of said niggle.
dreams and reality are seriously bleeding into each other: i know that gene hackman slicing off a sleeping man’s right testicle was a dream (at least i hope it was), but was the conversation about cutting a new line into my hand to create a new dimension of meaning (in palmistry speak) real? i have a cut on my hand, but that doesn’t mean anything. it could simply be the trigger of the dream. did i even have a conversation about palmistry last night? i think i did. my dream terrain is already plenty rocky without the aid of alcohol. my mind is a minefield of confusion and this shit is about to blow. someone get me a contract to write “Transformers 3”, stat. i am on a roll.

ow, my head.

i like to offer a nice bouquet of thoughts

free salad lunch = good.

rain and slippery shoes = bad.

up north fang mission = good.

possible swine flu / feeling like crud = bad.

next three mad men episodes (and final gossip girl episode) downloaded and ready for viewing = good.

free food and booze this evening = good.

lots of work to do and still writing this inane post = undecided.

i’m no mathematician but i think that this bouquet is leaning on the side of nice.

dear dream journal

dear dream journal,

last night i had a dream that a BRAND NEW Coles appeared amongst the drab assortment of shops down the end of our street. it was magical. four levels, open 24 hours, bright white floors and fluoro lighting. heaven had torn off a limb and dropped it onto percival rd. i set about collecting the things i needed and putting them in my basket. i only had a short amount of time to do my shopping because i had to be at my baton-twirling class at 6am. i scurried around, choosing my bananas and yoghurt and assorted goods. suddenly, my sister was in front of me, asking me to help choose a good couple of cardboard boxes from the box cage (like we used to do when we were kids, in franklins. the boxes were the best part of grocery shopping).the distraction threw me and i looked down and suddenly all the things i had SO carefully selected were nowhere to be seen! i retraced my steps. i found a mandarin on a stack of beautifully arranged tissue boxes, a banana next to the toothpastes. but this Coles was far too big and labyrinthine for me to comprehensively retrace and re-collect all my precious goods. i was distraught. then i woke up. it was the first day of winter.

dream journal, what could all this mean? what is my sleeping brain trying to express to my waking self? that my latent desire to baton-twirl is causing me to rush through LIFE (obviously represented by Coles in this dream)? that my sister is a distraction and must be destroyed? that i need to petition Albanese to get a Coles into Stanmore, stat? alas, dream journal: i may never know.

the mysteries of my mind are deep and innumerable.

tv, how we love thee.

as winter is about to set in, so is our extra layer of fat, our heater and our permanent bum-shaped creases on the couch. please don’t disappoint, tv!

let’s take a walk through the tv week.

mon: brothers and sisters. good tv. we will miss you, boston legal! is 30 rock still on?
tues: we watched the last episode of season 1 mad men (on DVD) last night and then found ourselves with a whole night of NOTHING before possibly one of the best shows on tv: lipstick jungle. tuesday is the best and worst night on tv. acceptable, in view of the fact nothing is on: 10 years younger in 10 days. freddy kruger in a red dress is painful but it’s so horrible to watch it at least gets your heart rate going. lipstick jungle deserves it’s own post for this season.
wed: criminal minds. the gube. enough said. family guy, if you can stay awake.
thurs: Q & A. amazing.
fri: please don’t watch tv.

oh, and neighbours every night, of course.

so far, prime time free to air is just not cutting it.

suggestions for improvement of tv: maybe lipstick jungle at 8.30pm on tuesday? mad men magically on our tv whenever we turn it on? new true blood directly to australian free to air? new weeds?

i don’t think i will stop watching tv, but it would be nice if there was something better going on.

thoughts? comments?


matthew gray gubler: a pictorial diversion.

Wonders never cease.






horoscope this out.

apparently, there is a new moon shining on us.

apparently, this means i am an argumentative bitch!


“Today’s New Moon cycle in the fire sign of Sagittarius heralds a few weeks where there may be argumentative situations – possibly started by you”.

I wasn’t happy with my ‘new moon’ reading from the (usually completely accurate) horoscoper at SMH.COM.AU, so i trotted over to my back-up man, Jonathan Cainer at CAINER.COM, to see if he had some cheerier news for me in this exciting new time.

“If the rules must all be followed and the laws must be obeyed, then presumably these include the ones about exceptions and exemptions. You may feel as if you have been backed into a corner, but that’s only because you have not yet explored all your options and alternatives. You think you have no choice but to stay where you are, or accept what has been imposed upon you. Question it. Fight it. Defy it. There is a perfectly rational, totally legal argument to support your claim for being treated differently.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK? Cainer, you’re creepy as shit.

jonpic no i’m not, lucy. i’m lovable! i’m your friendly uncle-type who brings you fancy perfume every second christmas!

me no, you are fucking creepy, JC. you’re the tony-soprano type that eats children’s brains in the night and then turns them into abstract horoscopes!

at least I can find comfort in the fact that my ex’s horoscope is always painfully money-oriented and shit (like person, like horoscope. and yes. i still check his horoscope in the event it says “YOU WILL DIE ALONE AND NAKED”. it could happen). for example, yesterday it read “you are entering a dark period that will last 16 years”. AWESOME. so for a little spark of happiness in an otherwise dark day of personal horoscopery, let’s see what SMH.COM.AU has to say about the nasty little capricorn, yes?

“This is your night for loving and romance – your sexuality should be electric.”

EXCUSE ME? Take a rusty knife and insert it where the sun don’t shine, universe!

Cainer, you creepy little worm, DELIVER!

“Venus is in your sign soon, and she forms a harmonious alignment with Saturn, the ruler of your sign. This is awfully auspicious. It implies an enjoyable weekend, full of reward and reassurance. Don’t think about how things used to be. Forget the difficult experiences that have created a sense of negative expectation. There is due to be comfort in your love life and stability in your financial situation.”

Are you for real, JC? He will be COMFORTABLE? How is that even CLOSE to dying naked and alone? Ah, but wait! There’s a postscript!

“All you have to do, in order to help this happy state of affairs to come about, is to think positive and be nice to people.”

THANKYOU, CAINER. Order is restored once more. Sure I am in some weird legal position, and am an argumentative crazy person, but Fuckhead Extraordinaire can basically have the best life ever, if only he was NICE TO PEOPLE. It’s like dangling the piece of cheese right in front of the mouse’s nose and saying “you can have this, if you become a cat”.

This has been your non-aggressive, non-bitter, level-headed message of the day.