horoscope this out.

apparently, there is a new moon shining on us.

apparently, this means i am an argumentative bitch!

Libra

“Today’s New Moon cycle in the fire sign of Sagittarius heralds a few weeks where there may be argumentative situations – possibly started by you”.

I wasn’t happy with my ‘new moon’ reading from the (usually completely accurate) horoscoper at SMH.COM.AU, so i trotted over to my back-up man, Jonathan Cainer at CAINER.COM, to see if he had some cheerier news for me in this exciting new time.

“If the rules must all be followed and the laws must be obeyed, then presumably these include the ones about exceptions and exemptions. You may feel as if you have been backed into a corner, but that’s only because you have not yet explored all your options and alternatives. You think you have no choice but to stay where you are, or accept what has been imposed upon you. Question it. Fight it. Defy it. There is a perfectly rational, totally legal argument to support your claim for being treated differently.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK? Cainer, you’re creepy as shit.

jonpic no i’m not, lucy. i’m lovable! i’m your friendly uncle-type who brings you fancy perfume every second christmas!

me no, you are fucking creepy, JC. you’re the tony-soprano type that eats children’s brains in the night and then turns them into abstract horoscopes!

at least I can find comfort in the fact that my ex’s horoscope is always painfully money-oriented and shit (like person, like horoscope. and yes. i still check his horoscope in the event it says “YOU WILL DIE ALONE AND NAKED”. it could happen). for example, yesterday it read “you are entering a dark period that will last 16 years”. AWESOME. so for a little spark of happiness in an otherwise dark day of personal horoscopery, let’s see what SMH.COM.AU has to say about the nasty little capricorn, yes?

“This is your night for loving and romance – your sexuality should be electric.”

EXCUSE ME? Take a rusty knife and insert it where the sun don’t shine, universe!

Cainer, you creepy little worm, DELIVER!

“Venus is in your sign soon, and she forms a harmonious alignment with Saturn, the ruler of your sign. This is awfully auspicious. It implies an enjoyable weekend, full of reward and reassurance. Don’t think about how things used to be. Forget the difficult experiences that have created a sense of negative expectation. There is due to be comfort in your love life and stability in your financial situation.”

Are you for real, JC? He will be COMFORTABLE? How is that even CLOSE to dying naked and alone? Ah, but wait! There’s a postscript!

“All you have to do, in order to help this happy state of affairs to come about, is to think positive and be nice to people.”

THANKYOU, CAINER. Order is restored once more. Sure I am in some weird legal position, and am an argumentative crazy person, but Fuckhead Extraordinaire can basically have the best life ever, if only he was NICE TO PEOPLE. It’s like dangling the piece of cheese right in front of the mouse’s nose and saying “you can have this, if you become a cat”.

This has been your non-aggressive, non-bitter, level-headed message of the day.

KISSES!

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3 responses to “horoscope this out.

  1. no air signs should ever be allowed to go out with capricorns, ever (i’m a gemini).

    there oughta be a law or something.

  2. apparently, libras aren’t allowed to go out with anyone. ever.

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