Monthly Archives: September 2008

*insert hilarious headline here*

A day in ridiculous news headlines. I love it when the world is so much weirder than anyone could invent.

Reprieve for big pig ‘the size of pony’

Involves a pig named Bruce and a Uki hostage who wants to use an outdoor toilet. You fill in the rest.

The case of the missing Missy

Don’t know what this is about, except that it involves our PM giving our foremost lesbo singer/songerwriter a handjob.

Australia clear of contaminated milk

It is shipped to New Zealand. Milkmen henceforth promise to stop jizzing into the closest containers they can find.

Thief tries to give priest guilt trip

This, I have to just quote direct. “… Catholic guilt was turned on its head when a knife-wielding thief – forcefully disarmed by the priest he was robbing – turned to the elderly father and said: “I only wanted money … you’re a priest and you’re not helping.” Father Mello then replied, “‘Blimey, you came here with a knife. Mamma mia! that’s not the right thing.'” I gotta try that next time.

WHO says nearly 2 billion at risk from dengue in Asia

Who indeed? I demand to know.

Haus ov Duum declared number 1 source for news & verbal spews!

Wow! That’s nice of SMH.com.au to pick that up. How strange. But, thanks!

–lalaz

Why I love Azns

Tonight I’m having a Triad-themed party. This is not the first (nor the last, no doubt) Asian-themed parties I’ve had. Why do I love this raven-haired race? Why indeed.

 

 

They are small.

 

 

They are cute.

 

 

They make nice noodle soups (if you want to know the best Laksa in Sydney, ask me) (it only costs $6.50- $7, depending on how much she likes you) (OK, OK, it’s in Eat World in Chinatown! At the back on the left!)

 

 

They are cool. Hell, even this evil dictator dude has dope sunglasses.

 

 

They own the best supermarkets. Many a happy hour can be spent wandering Thai Kee IGA in Market City, buying:

 

MSG-laden yakisoba.

 

 

Who-knows-what-laden iced coffee.

 

 

Edamame, the thinking-woman’s beer nuts.

 

Fake money to appease the gods.

 

 

And so on.

 

They are responsible for Japan, which I love.

 

 

Even their mafia members are nice. I say this after starting a brawl in downtown Sapporo one night, after which, at the police station, the yakuza dude came and apologised to me for “receiving a hit” to the face. Soooo sweet! Sure, then he made my friend pay $2000 for kicking a pedophilic billboard, but whatever.

 

 

And most importantly, they love me too. No evidence needed to back this up.

 

 

–lalaz